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As well as summer, outdoor, cricket, the club has an extensive programme of winter indoor cricket.  Included in this is its Poloc Pythons team that plays in the Cricket Scotland Tapeball League. 


The 2017-18 midweek league fixtures for the Pythons are below. 



Pythons news and match reports


(Please note that no offence is intended to any third party in the undernoted match reports that are produced with the primary intention of [hopefully] entertaining club members.)


Still winning! [posted 21/02/18] 

Pythons skipper Irfan Hanif reports on the Python's tapeball league win over the Classic Tigers. "Do you knooooooow? The Poloc Pythons were back in action against the cornered Tigers? Oh, do you knooooow?  MI Hanif was sporting a new haircut and a 'fresh fade' according to Abdullah, leading to some very strange proceedings before the game. Kardashian was in awe the whole time leading up to the game with very strange looks and comments, even giving MIST three missed 'phone calls despite him only being five or ten metres away from him.  Uttering stuff such as 'Yaaaar, where you get that from, tell me bro'?', 'Does the barber pay you to cut your hair?', and 'Looks heavy sick ngl'. MIST, rather confused, looked to Abdullah, and saw something abnormal in the chap, only to realise, Minaj also had a fresh fade.....a fresh fade on his mooch (moustache or moochtache).


"The Pythons, having already ensured of qualification for the quarter-finals, let the Captain and Selection Committee experiment with the bowling and batting order. A couple of changes to the Pythons squad were also made: Usman Zakir out, Aliyana Qureshi in; Amaan Ramzan out and Snake-ib Ahmed in.  Before the match took place there was also a brief altercation between MZ Sinakey and Snake-ib Ahmed: not sure what was said, but there was a lot of hissing in the snake pit.  There was also a bit of talk between the two captains King Kobra and the former Poloc player Hasanake Rafiq (aka MZ Afro's brother).


"The Pythons lost the toss and Hasanake sent them in to bat. With the quarter-finals coming up this was an ideal scenario: the opening partnership of Wayne Haroony and Bugz continued, both scared to take the first ball as we saw in the previous game, this time resolving that Bugzdashian should take it, only for him to say, 'You see what happens bro', when I take first ball, mad stuff happens'.  The partnership didn't last long with the Pythons top-scoring batsman departing in the second over, smashing one straight to the cornered Tigers captain, Hasanake. Bugz was not happy, but proving his point 'This is why I don't take the first ball, yaar, heavy weird, I never perform'.  Noted.  Then came the moment we had been waiting for, MI Hanif in at number three, a like for like replacement for Amaan 'Nutella' Ramzan who had been called up to the ECB training camp by SnaKeith Young. The Flyswatter Haroon said to the Captain: every run is your call, and indeed that's what MI Hanif proceeded with. Not entertaining any dot balls, the partnership between these two was fluent: some good, quick, running, and a couple of boundaries by Haroony. This halted a bit though when Hasanake pulled a snake move, and came on to bowl.  Targeting the King Kobra with a first ball beamer, this resulted in a blow to the shoulder, and with this MI Hanif understood the opposition's tactics. The second ball from Hasan was slightly lower but connection was made with the bat. The battle was on. The run-rate was high for the Pythons until, Haroon, on 26, needing 4 more runs to retire, thought he'd try it to get there in style, and hit one straight to the boundary,.....and he was gone!  Retired?  No! Caught!  Caught on the boundary. The Vice-Captain was next in at four, which resulted in the sour Mohammed Bogeez to say 'Why's he going in at four?!?'  'BHAS!' was the response from the whole team.  MI Hanif and MZ were leading by example however, showing how to run between the wickets, with the Vice-Captain's run calling consisting of 'GOOOOOOO!'.  These two put on a good performance with their hard running, alongwith some sliding dives from the Captain! MIST was building the Pythons innings, while MZ decided to go big, and: BOOM! a big shot for 6!  This shut up Bogeez on the sideline, who, do you knooooow, despite being the best WDCU batsman in 2017, didn’t achieve one 6, OOOOIIIII!  Meanwhile, while all that was going on, Abdullah was just in awe, 'Look at that fade, yaar!'. MI Hanif, looking at the scoreboard, saw his side were going in to the seventh over, and so decided to go on the attack after building his innings on quick running 'til this point,..... and so was bowled!  The report from MZ at the non-strikers end was 'That ball had some kala jadoo [Ed: black magic we understand!], yaar; it swung in big time!'.  King Kobra was left disappointed just 4 short of retiring, and with the joint highest score of the match with HaroonyBugz congratulated his captain: 'I was waiting for a performance like that, must be the fade, yaar!'.  Now was the moment we had been waiting for: Mohammed Bogeez, who stole Aliyana's place, to the crease, and with all is chat.  But he couldn't swing his bat as MZ was playing out a couple of dot balls at the other end.  Big time Bogeez then went for a selfish single to get himself on strike therefore, however this only resulted in MZ getting run out, resulting in Bogeez utterring 'There are only three balls left in the innings, so we might as well run!' Aliyana in next: BOOM!  Gone!  First ball duck!  Glitch was then sent in and what does he do?  Do you knoooow?  He returns the favour to Afro MZ and gets Hunnain run out. Last ball left and Snake-ib Ahmed and Glitch are unable to scramble for single, resulting in the Pythons making 110.


"The cornered Tigers would need to chase 111 to win.  And with the Pythons having only conceded over 100 runs once, this seemed like an easy task.  All fired up was the Bogey Master Hunnain, opening the bowling due to be being hailed as the best bowler in WDCU.  It looked to be a great over too, until some dubious fielding efforts - the ball hit straight in-between Aliyana and the Glitch - saw what should have been a straight forward catch ending up going for a 6 as both fielders just looked at each other.  An over that should have resulted in just 4 runs, with a wicket, went for 10 instead. However, a smart run out did then take place with Afro MZ Sinakey linking up with Bogeez.  With the Pythons leading wicket taker, the Glitch, bowling a good over but no wickets, momentum swung back to the PythonsSnake-ib to bowl next, which resulted in several skiers in the air, resulting in two catches and two wickets: an expensive over but doing damage at the same time. Glitch was on again, bowling Hasanake Rafiq, who - obviously - got a send off from Bugz running to him and screaming in his face, one assumes to show him his fresh fade on his mooch close-up? There could have been another wicket from the Glitch too, but some shoddy fielding took place again, an even simpler catch than in the first over clipping off Haroon's hands who'd reacted too late, and the ball went for 4.  This had the Glitch vexed, leading to the suspicion that Haroon may have been match fixing [Ed: more on that later].  Zakir Sinakey then got the Glitch even more vexed by hissing in his ear at extra cover 'When you moving closer to Hunnain?', 'You're gonna be living close to Hunnain and his bogey', and 'BWAAH GAAAWD ALMIGHTY!!!!'  This caused the Glitch to explode like a volcano and some angry words were exchanged, only for the Glitch to then run away and giggle.


"The match fixer was next to bowl, bowling an expensive over with some horrendous fielding, over-throws, no backing up, no awareness, etc. all thrown in.  And it only got worse when Aliyana's over was bowled: despite only conceding 1 extra, he was the most expensive bowler, going for 20. Some idiotic fielding was on display and the Pythons witnessed something they had never seen before, the opposition running two singles from one ball due to the incompetency [ed: is that even a word?!?].  Result: 6 runs from one ball!  Face-palm.  As poor as this over was from the Pythons, a moment of brilliance then took place: with the Captain being extremely annoyed at his team's atrocious efforts in the field, he collected the ball and ran from mid-wicket to pull off a Jonty Rhodes-like full-length dive to execute a run out, destroying the wickets in the process!  Seven wickets now down. Two overs left, one wicket remaining, 39 runs needed.  Who to bowl next?  Darth Fader (Abdullah), 'Bro', gimme a bowl, yaar, my fade not on point today, but.....today's the day!'. First ball of the over bowled, and that was it!  All over: another run out, with Darth Fader stating 'Look at that bro', economy of zero!'


"The Pythons win by 39 runs, a big victory, but the game should have been over much quicker, bringing an even bigger winning margin. Two easy dropped catches on the boundary resulted in 11 runs instead of two wickets, and several misfields, all added up to a horrific performance compared to last week's. The Kobra was not impressed with his team-mates.  With the quarter-finals being so close, the Pythons will need to do far better than they performed today."


Another win, this time over the league leaders! [posted 16/02/18]

Pythons skipper Irfan Hanif reports on the Python's tapeball league win over the league leaders. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! The Pythons were back in action taking on the group heavyweights, who were yet to lose a game, Govanhill.  A couple of changes were made to the squad with Aliyah and Gucciline's model Amaan Ali taken out for MZ and Dr. Uzzi. 


"Abdullah as usual was up to his antics before the game: it was clear to say that there was a few things wrong with him, one maybe from the wind getting into his face and causing disruption. With the Pro' ROONI waiting on him for 40 minutes to chauffeur him to the game, all Bugz said was 'Bro', you don’t realise I'm five minutes away kassam', 'Bro' there's no space in the bus', 'Bro' it was a fifteen-minute journey but took 40 minutes', all uttered.....but none of them true.  As usual Bugz was late therefore which caused the skipper, who was meant to be picked up by the buffoons, to have to call up the vice-captain for a lift, that's from Bogey.  But when Bogey and his team arrived, MI was nowhere to be seen, another full of excuses like 'Bro', you said ten minutes I thought, so I went for a walk', 'Oh, yaar, I work here you understand, I don't want people to see me getting into the Bogeymobile', etc.  However others said he was meeting up with his boy Bugz and exchanging stuff that shouldn't be mentioned.


"Finally, when everyone did make it to the stadium [Ed: ] on time there was a special guest, Dr. Maddock, the cameraman.  He had made an appearance, but we felt bad for him as he had to put up with Mohammed Bogeez for more or less the full game at fine leg.  To the game: the Pythons lost the toss and were sent in to bowl, King Cobra was not bothered by this though, as he knew he had the bowling attack for the swinging conditions, however with Govanhill's record going into this game they were the clear favourites. Opening the bowling was the Pro', ROONI, who bowled well, but was the most expensive out of everyone, going for 12.  He blamed this on overthrows!  Yes despite this he claimed the main wicket of Adil Raza the tournament's highest scorer. The Pythons were pumped up.


"The Glitch was given the ball for the second over, was the fourth leading wicket taker of the tournament before this game (OOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIII!) and went on to bowl an excellent first over as expected, taking two wickets and going for just 1 run, narrowly missing out on a hat-trick.  Dr. Uzzi replaced his brother, bowling an excellent over too, with a wicket and a run out from the King Cobra (if only there was a way of inserting Bugz's sound effects!).  Wickets were tumbling!  Govanhill were struggling.  The Pythons were in a very good position.  The intensity in the field increased with chat from all four corners. 'OOOOOOOIIIII!', 'Who's getting cheeky, yaar?', etc.  With the annoying Bogey at fine leg this was always going to happen. 


"The Glitch (Haseebo Lal) was given the ball to bowl his second over and what a decision this was, as he was unlucky not to pick up another wicket and was extremely economical. However the only reason he bowled so amazingly was because Afro MZ told him to put up with the fact that Bogey will be living next to him!  The Glitch would finish with 2 for 7.  Govanhill had been constricted by the PythonsStoner Island Bugz bowled next, and, surprisingly, bowled well, with a dropped catch by the vice-captain featuring.  After his over, a few words were uttered by the vexed Bugz to Afro MZ 'Bro', you watch what happens when you come on to bowl'.  And he wasn't wrong.  MZ was given the ball, and bowled well.....despite the first maximum being struck off his bowling.  A couple of wickets should've been claimed by him though, Bugz dropping a catch, as did Flyswatter HaroonMZ, apart from the 6, came back strongly and finished the over well.  The Pythons still on top.  Then on came the best bowler in the WDCU and Cricket Scotland Tapeball League, ranked #1: Mohammed Bogeez.  And he bowled well 'as usual'.  The last over was bowled by the captain who, apart from getting hit for a maximum, bowled excellently, only 8 runs coming off his over, and another run out being credited to his name.  Govanhill, in their eight overs, had made 54.  The Pythons had bowled and fielded well, mainly of course because the cameraman Maddock was there.  Also, cutting down hugely on extras helped, and credit to Nutella for excellent fielding at point.  Overall, a great performance in the field; now to back it up with the bat.


"With the Pythons only chasing 54, Maaldashian and the Pro', ROONI were sent out to open the batting, both telling the other 'Bro', you take the first ball'.  A vexed Abdullah then bellowed 'GGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOO!', resulting in the Pro' - as the bigger man - taking the first ball against the league's best bowler.  He then proceeded to leave everything; a couple of wides seeing a couple of runs ticked off the required total on the scoreboard.  Bogeez (also the league's best batsman) was in the changing room, but was still heard to say 'Yaar, Irfan, tell them to cover their stumps and get a nick or something; that's 3 runs and that, yaar'.  The vice-captain countered this with 'OOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIII, you calm down, wada aya itay', shutting Bogey down.  Bugz and Haroon were batting well though, Bugz, as usual, surviving a chance of a run out.  ROONI would be dismissed first, caught.  He'd batted well but couldn't go on to make a big score after hitting a few early boundaries.  Joining Bugz was Nutella, who was throwing inspirational quotes from the non-striker's end, 'Yaar, haters are your motivators' and 'the only competition I have, is the competition with myself'. 


"However The Glitch, as usual, had to cause problems by shouting his own inspirational quotes to the batsmen, resulting in the skipper getting called in and having to have a word with The Glitch who was, of course, acting all innocent. With Bugz taking the inspirational quotes to heart, he was starting to strike the ball well, along with his boy Nutella.  Finally Bugz would have to retire, uttering 'Talking da hardest' as he walked off to a round of applause after a wonderful innings.  Dr. Uzzi replaced him with only a few runs left to get, and was up against the league's best bowler (no, not Bogey!).  It was Adil Raza.  And he cleaned him up first ball.  After this wicket fell Mohammed Bogeez, the best all-rounder to have graced the game, tried to enter the field but he was grabbed by the Afro MZ who uttered 'Oi, you, calm down!' resulting in The Glitch finishing the game with Nutella.  The Pythons win!  And, with two overs to spare!  An all-round, amazing, performance by the team.  The Glitch was offering to sign his bat and offer it to those who had witnessed the game.  And in the changing room he asked for the match ball, only for The Bogey to say 'Oh, yaar, calm down you got like one wicket'.  The vice-captain had The Glitch's back at this juncture, and responded with 'One more than you!'  Bugz then joined in with 'Oh, yaar, you taking that?', trying to cause a punga.  With the team clearly pumped up after their win, this exchange brought a wrap to the game, and a huge thanks to the main man Maddock for coming down to support the team and take some great pic's!  The Pythons can learn a lot from this game, as they batted, bowled and fielded exceptionally well showing they can beat any team.  I think we worked out which Poloc Pythons turned up, yup.....it's the one to be afraid of!"


Back on the rails [posted 07/02/18]

Pythons skipper Irfan Hanif reports on the Python's latest tapeball league match. "The Pythons took on the imposters Greater Pollok Eagles after back-to-back defeats. A change was made to the squad with Afro MZ being rested and on the bench - he literally was bench-warming - and the Gucci-sponsored Amaan returning.  Before the match started there were usual shenanigans. Bogey laid down an ultimatum the day before of 'anyone who needs a lift be at Bogey Hut for 7pm'.  MIST was having a pre-match meal with his selection committee only to be disturbed by an aggressive Bugz 'WHERE'S HUNNAIN?! HE'S NOT HERE!'. MI Hanif, as calm as you would like, hung up the phone, and started making 'phone calls of his own to see what the script was. Bogez, with his antics then turns up twenty minutes late, but not at the specified destination, but at Aliyana's house and was like 'I got 36 missed phone calls in seven minutes, yaar.'  The Glitch was, however, surprisingly, on time and managed to give Afro MZ cheerleading tips, using his afro as a pom-pom.


"The Pythons lost the toss and the opposition chose to bat first. This didn't bother the Cobra as he knew the 'dew' factor would kick in.  Haseeb opened the bowling, an average first over by his standards, but good enough. In came the Harpoon, Haroon, bowling an excellent second over with one wicket and 4 runs conceded. Goochi was next to bowl, started off really well but ended poorly, with several extras. The Harpoon was back though, taking another wicket and only going for 4 runs again, and nearly taking out the fifteen year old with a beamer. Excellent two overs: two wickets and 8 runs conceded.  The score: 31 runs off four overs.  Ooiii.  Aliyan was next, and the Pythons were placing bets amongst themselves on how many extras would be given away, but it was not the extras that shook the team, it was the huge six hit by the fifteen year old!  This resulted in The Glitch laughing away uncontrollably, and hissing from the boundary fielders too, only for the umpire to decide he wanted to go one-on-one [] with MIST. The next two overs were somewhat expensive from Kardashian and Yugioh, with some dropped catches, miss-fields and some good hitting by the opposition. Last over to be bowled by the Cobra, and the Pythons just lost it.  A couple of extras, ansd atrocious fielding that did more damage. And so, miss-fields galore, three dropped catches, one ball going for 7 due to another miss-field, missed run out chances and - to top it all off - the boundary fielders decided to start playing football.  You would think half of the team were playing a different sport. Shambles.  77 runs coming off the last four overs resulting in a tough chase of 108 for the Pythons


"The batting started off decently enough though, with the promoted Haroon hitting big, second ball, running well and hitting it off the wall - someone actually listened to last week's debrief from the skipper - Bugz did his best to run him out, which led to Haroon departing after being deceived by a googly. In came Nutella, him and Bugz hitting and running well, resulting in Bugz retiring to claim his orange IPL cap. Nutella was next to depart, getting caught on the boundary,.....again. This brought in Goochi, who was given two lives after he was run out, only for the decision to be reversed after a third umpire concluded there was not sufficient evidence.  He, like Hunnain, didn't put it to good use though, and was soon out.  This brought Extras the 'pinch hitter' in, but he was bowled by his nemises: the fifteen year old striking again. The Glitch was next in to see the game off, with his main man Haircut: 22 were needed from two overs despite an excellent over from Extras's nemesis.  And this target was achieved with ease after the penultimate bowler was targeted to leave just 1 run needed off the last over.  Result: the Pythons recorded a one-wicket win with five balls to spare.  #Toffee


"So, a victory, but in all honesty it was a poor effort with the ball, and in the field, and with a middle order collapse thrown in. The King Cobra was not happy leading to MIST not doing the dab despite the Pythons winning.  Unacceptable!"


More frustration [posted 02/02/18]

Pythons vice-skipper Zakir Siddiqui again reports [Ed: after editing by the King Cobra!] on the Python's latest tapeball league match.  "The Pythons and Asian Tigers meet again...  MIST was sent out to do the toss, who was surprisingly on time for once, and he elected to bowl first.  The Glitch was handed the new ball, bowling well yet again: very economical with 'OOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIs' being screamed from all four corners of the arena.  Glitch then passed over to Qureshi who thought he was the right-handed Starc, and tried a few things: like bouncers, wide balls 'Oh yaar, a can't find ma rhythm, am doing ma best'.  Apart from this, he bowled very well, along with his boy ROONI off who MZ took a splendid catch.  Topping off ROONI's bowling, he also fielded well, took a good catch 'in the deep' (with the phrase 'Oh, yaar, you ripped ma new joggies'.  Devastating for him.  The ball was then handed to The Glitch who managed to finish his over and returned to fine leg.  With him having finished his spell, wickets started tumbling regularly, with the fielding excellent.  No-one from the Asian Tigers had yet reached double figures either at this stage.


"With this thought in mind, the ball was passed on to MZ who would prove the most expensive bowler, though he also nearly clung on to a screamer.  MZ was followed by Minaj who, some say, was under the influence yet again.  He was getting heavy 'awkah' [Ed: is this report written in English?] before he came on to ball uttering the words, 'Bro' watch this'.  And he did bowl a tight over.  Minaj done, the tournament's best bowler was given the nod: Bogey on to finish the Asian Tigers' innings off.  And, apart from getting hit for a maximum, he bowled well, thanks, of course, to the distraction of the bogey.  So, still a over to go but the Asian Tigers were all out for 65, no-one getting into double figures.  But extras yet again played a huge part and were their highest scorer.


"Should be easy to chase, right?  That's certainly what any normal person would think.  But the Pythons are not normal, and proved to be of a different mind.  Minaj and the overseas pro' Nutella were sent out to open, but Nutella was dismissed early bringing Haroon in.  But he couldn't go on and make a big score.  The Pythons were struggling.  Minaj was still at the crease - seemingly half lost as usual - and he was now joined by Aliyana.  Everyone thought it was Haseeb to come in, but after acting big in the field against his former team, like his thug friend Minaj, he was suddenly filled with excuses and sent Qureshi in.  'Oh, yaar, you don't understand'.  More three-year old excuses. 


"However after giving the Asian Tigers chat he couldn't back up, Qureshi was dismissed early.  Again no-one getting to double figures.  Finally in came The Glitch, who seemed more scared than ever, asking if anyone had pads, thigh guard and a helmet.....in a tapeball game!  Unheard of.  Another one with a big mouth but nothing to back it up.  After a big send off for the big boy, the bowler of the tournament came in to have a swing: Bogey.  But he didn't get going, despite getting a life after getting bowled by a no ball.  After his reprieve he simply sniffed the bogey back in and waddled back to the crease, only to.....get out next ball.  Hunnain and his bogey dismissed.  In came MZ then, and was at the non-striker's end. Minaj on strike.  And he'd be finally dismissed, after surviving four run out chances and only scoring 10 from seven overs!  Next in was MIST to join his boy at the crease: the last over.


"With some people in the changing room distracting their own batters, acting like two year olds, the umpire had words.  Abdullah and The Glitch were the main culprits, but Qureshi got the blame after The Glitch acted all innocent.  If only he could've put that chat into good use on the park instead.  As it was, a last over partnership of 15 from four balls wouldn't be enough from the final pair, and MZ was run out by MIST who said the team had to go for 3 runs off every every ball to win.  MZ wasn't happy being run out by his captain for a second, consecutive, game and had to listen to 'I told you we had to run everything. Yaaaaaar, a should've told you'.  And so despite the best efforts of the vice-captain and captain, it was another loss for the Pythons, by 7 runs.  A game that should've been won.


"With the batting poor, only one person getting into double figures, defeat was almost inevitable.  The last over partnership of 15 from four balls was the batting highlight.  In the first innings, the fielding was excellent, but there's still a need to work on communication and cut down on the extras.  All points made in the match debrief conducted by an unhappy MI Hanif."


Pythons winning run ended [posted 30/01/18]

Pythons vice-skipper Zakir Siddiqui reports on the Python's latest tapeball league match. "OOOOOOOOIIIIIIII  The game couldn’t have started in a worse possible way: the Captain MIST and the five year old, a.k.a. The Glitch, arriving late.  There were also a few things being whispered in the changing room, such as 'Bro' this place is heavy bait for me, yaar, a can't be seen here'!  With the Pythons Captain not making it on time, it was the Vice-Captain's choice to send the Cricket Scotland-sponsored 'Pro'' to toss (who'd replaced the dropped Snake-ib Ahmed, left out on disciplinary grounds after his rumble with Haroon).  So off he went saying 'Bro' trussssss me', with plenty of OOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIs heard as he left.  The result? What we all expected, and knew he was capable off: toss lost.  As a consequence the Pythons were batting first. 


"And things didn't go any better as Bogey went to open the batting with Minaj.  With these the first two batters, we knew the game was in the opposition's hands straight away, given Bogey likes to think he is part of South Africa's Test side playing India.  As it was he was quickly sent back to the pavilion, alongwith Minaj, after a glorious partnership of 0, ending wityh two run outs!  Match-fixing rumours were spreading fast.  The Glitch then also failed to get going, and was soon back with a golden duck to his name.  Something he's used to of course.  Nutella in now, and showing some resistance but he couldn't go on and reach retirement. But his partnership with his fellow Cricket Scotland kala did steady the ship, with shots all around the arena.  However after time well spent in the middle Nutella departed.


"In the middle now were ROONI and his boy Qureshi.  Smiling, words were exchanged between the two and the Captain, the Cricket Scotland duo determining not to hold back.  With various decisions causing pungay between the players of both sides, Qureshi was dismissed without scoring too many, resulting in the dream duo: MZ joining ROONI at the crease.  Rooni was still exchanging words with the opposition, but was backing this up with his bat and so had to retire.  This brought MI in to join MZ in the middle for the last over: the much anticipated partnership.  Runs were accumulated, with excellent running between the wickets including a dive from The Cobra from about halfway down the pitch that saw him manage to slither in.  However this majestic partnership ended when MI approached MZ to say 'I'm gonna get you run out so a can get Rooni in, yaar'. [Ed: a false claim according to the Caprtain!].  This was behaviour to be expected by The Cobra.  And so it was that MZ was sent packing too, with Rooni coming back in from retirement.


"The Pythons finished on 81, a good target considering where they were when they were three down.


"The new ball was given to The Glitch, with him proving himself with the ball in his first over: only a few runs on the 'board.  However this would instantly change as the bowler, touted as Scotland's Mohammad Amir, took the second over, a decision instantly regretted as it looked like he thought was to bowl two overs on the trot.  Several no balls led to some wondering if he would be appearing soon in an article in the now-defunct 'News of the World'.  With abuse being shouted from all four corners of the arena, especially from fine leg and his 'cousin' Cheteshar Bogejara.  With a fourteen-ball over resulting, with all types of deliveries: bouncers, beamers, etc., and also a bit of beef with the batsman, it certainly wasn't dull.


"And so on came The Glitch and bowled his last over, with the spectator from fine leg screaming 'CATCH!' before getting hit downstairs.  He should get that bogey out the way and pay more attention to the game.  Apart from this The Glitch did well, taking a wicket.  MZ then took the ball for the next over, and delivered with a wicket first ball after a fine catch by the spot fixer at long on.  Then on came the Pro', Rooni, bowling a good over, with a send off included to one of the opposition batsmen.


"The Pythons were bowling well so far. The Burglar took the next over and surprisingly bowled well, even though he seemed under the influence of stuff that shouldn't be mentioned. Also credit where credit's due: The Burglar's fielding - his fielding prowess including seeing him use his Kardashian look-a-like backside to good effect.  He showed the full array of skills: flicking the ball with his foot; taking it one-handed; and using his rear-end to stop the ball.  And wickets were tumbling.


"The Pythons looked like they had a chance to win the game. The MIST taking the game in their direction with a solid over, leading to the main bowler, Bogey, having 12 runs to defend from his over.  But it wasn't to be.  A match that could of been won if we had improved on our batting and paid more attention on the field, nevertheless resulted in defeat.  Dropping two catches didn't help, nor did conceding a couple of boundaries.  And, of course, Bogey fielding in the original eight was another handicap!"


Pythons record back-to-back wins [posted 22/01/18]

Pythons skipper Irfan Hanif reports on the Python's latest tapeball league win. "The Pythons took on The Classic Tigers on what was a snowy night.  There were changes to the squad due to unavailability, the Pythons missing a few from their first team. Snake-ib (Saqib) Ahmed and Heavy Snake Yaar (Aliyan Qureshi) were introduced to the squad with MZ Siddiqui missing out due to his afro not being on point, others for genuine reasons.  Due to the snow turning into a blizzard the Pythons were also missing Bogey and the Glitch (Haseeb).  Bogey arrived after travelling at 40mph in his car; he denies that he was, but witnesses advise that he did, but don't worry yaar, he got a 'black box' for insurance. Then we had The Glitch, after three or four 'phone calls, saying 'I'll be there in five minutes, I'm a turn away'.....despite the first call being twenty minutes before the last one! This got us wondering on what time dimension does this man live in?  The Pythons lost the toss to the Tigers, who were expecting some seam, swing and turn on the pitch so they sent the Pythons in to bat first. With this in mind, Snake-ib Ahmed was sent in to blunt the new ball and see off the first five overs with his batting partner Bugzy who was sent in to intimidate the opposition with his cap on.  The innings started off quite slowly, batsmen were struggling to get bat on ball with Snake-ib doing several leaves and middling it.....off the edges. Bugz was swinging like Hunnain's bogey but without any connection with the ball. The score was 16 after two overs. This led to shouts from the dugout to up the ante, most notably from Flyswatter Haroon. All that was needed was an 'oooiiiii!!!!' from the skipper and that was enough, Abdullah went from 'talking the hardest' to 'smacking the hardest' like a true bad man, with Snake-ib now finding the middle.....of the edge of his bat. 


"Boundaries were coming from Bugz, singles were getting slithered in by Snake-ib. The score was 48 after four overs, with Abdullah being the first ever batsman for the Pythons to retire after reaching 30. In came Nutella (Amaan Ramzan) to replace him, and he was right on it from the start,.....only to be caught on the boundary again. Snake-ib finally middled one from the actual face of his bat and had to retire after also reaching 30 and having played his role superbly, the shine now off the ball. In came the Glitch, and got out the way only the Glitch could and that was a run out where the ball hit off the bowler's knee and deflected on to the stumps. Barry Allen/Aliyan and the Flyswatter were at the crease but didn't last, Haroon and MI Hanif going to two balls that kept low suggesting there was actually something in the pitch for the bowlers. Bogeyman batted with his cousin Flash for the last over.   The Pythons final total was 120.


"The Glitch opened the bowling and picked up a wicket while being economical. Haroon bowled next and was the only bowler to be smacked for a boundary 6! In came The Flash to bowl 'GAAAAAASSS', and that he did, getting some swing and seam,.....leading to three wides in a row. He did though manage to get things under control to pick up two wickets, giving away only 3 runs. Glitch then bowled again, hogging the ball, then Abdullah came on, picking up two wickets, but bowling one delivery that the batsman smacked straight into Haroon's face - I like his thinking!  The Tigers were now in trouble, with only one boundary scored and not many singles run due to the tight bowling and fielding. Snake-ib, making his debut, had got one skied that Aliyan - proving he really is The Flash - sprinted from long-on to mid-off to take one-handed with a diving catch. This brought the Tiger's last batsman in, all the way from Dundee.  The thirteen year old took guard but - first ball - was gone, Snake-ib bowling his best ball. Game over, the Tigers bowled out for 31. But this snake move did not go well with the Pythons, with the team chanting 'BOO SAQIB, BOO!' only for Abdullah to put his arm around his shoulder and say 'Don't worry bro', I took a hat-trick and got an eight year old out, let the haters hate'.  Pythons win by 89 runs, but 'BOO SAQIB, BOO!'"


Pythons secure their first tapeball league win [posted 19/12/17]

Pythons skipper Irfan Hanif reports on tonight's first tapeball league win. "The Pythons went in to tonight's match with their eyes set on victory.  In fact they were that committed to the win that they made a new signing. Abdullah Malik Minaj making his debut!  Much talk before the game of 'Bro' watch when I play yaaar', and wearing the number 10 'Afridi' shirt, meant we sure were expecting fireworks.  Haroon dropped himself so we could witness a Minaj special, or so he said, but in reality he was too busy trying to flick flies.  Pythons won the toss, and they chose to bowl first.


"They started off well with some excellent fielding from the overseas pro' NutellaAfro Siddiqui learned from this and got a wicket with a run out. 'The Glitch' known as Haseeb Zakir bowled very good, tight and economical overs along with the better Zakir, Dr.Uzzi.  Runs were kept to a minimum, the Pythons keeping their opponents, the imposter 'Pollok' team, in check.  A couple of maximums in one over did up the score, an over that had otherwise looked to be a good one, with only 2 runs from it.  'Gucci'-sponsored Amaan Ali then bowled an excellent fifth over with three wickets coming from it - one run out and two going to the bowler - with the overseas pro' getting the run out from point, and taking a one-handed catch off the roof!  Only one wicket left for the Pythons to get after five overs then. Economical overs from Captain MI Cobra and Bogey restricted the oppostion run-rate, and so going in to the last over the question was who would bowl it?  Answer: the debutant, his team-mates giving him hints and tips, only to hear the words 'Brooo' trruuussss me' in reply.  And 'Truuuussss' the Pythons did,.....a bad mistake! But once the Captain and the Vice-Captain spoke to Bugz he did start to get into his groove.  The end result: Pythons with 64 to chase. 


"The chase started off well with Bogey and Son of Ali Ali batting, only for Chanderpaul (Hunnain) to refuse a single while Amaan Ali was three-quarters of the way down the pitch.  And instead of running to the other end, they both started arguing resulting in, finally, Amaan being run out!  A vexed Amaan returned to the dugout, ranting away. Overseas pro' Nutella Ramzan then went in, and looked to be in good touch, only to get out to a superb diving catch on the boundary. The Glitch was in next, and seemed on a mission,.....but found himself batting with Bogez.  This just frustrated the Glitch, and the partnership did not last long with Bogey beaten for pace by a ball bowled at 1mph.  Dr. Uzzi came to the crease in the third over with the Pythons on 26.  This latest partnership started off slowly - like watching Hunnain Chanderpaul bat - and led to mascot Afro Siddiqui falling asleep, and snoring some 'oiii's'.


"However the calm and composed partnership that ensured from the Zakir brothers would show the youngsters how it is done, as they steered the Pythons to victory with excellent running between the wickets  (take a note Bogey!) and hitting the poor balls for boundaries, the Pythons eventually chasing down their target with an over to spare.  'OOIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!'"


Pythons slip to second defeat in the tapeball league [posted 15/12/17]

Pythons skipper Irfan Hanif reports on last night's tapeball league defeat to the Asian Tigers.  "We won the toss, chose to bowl first. We started off really well, taking regular wickets, though the Tigers' runs did tick over a bit, with the new rules in place where a running a single is now 2 runs.  We had them for 42 for 5 going in to the final three overs when, unfortunately, a lot of extras were then bowled, resulting in the equivalent of more than two extra overs being bowled, pushing the Tigers' total up to 95.


"Early in our run-chase we lost three batsmen.....in the first over.  Incoming batsmen were then reluctant to take singles, pushing the required run-rate up going in to the last couple of overs.  Some positive running and hitting at this stage did materialise,  however in the end our total ended up as 48.  Despite the margin of defeat, this was a game where we should have been much more competitive, but those last three overs of the Tigers' innings did the damage."


Pythons debut in the tapeball league [posted 08/12/17]

Poloc_Pythons_logo_small The Poloc Pythons started their midweek tapeball league season last night, taking on the Glasgow Giants.  Led by skipper Irfan, the Pythons eight were Aman, Zakir, Amaan, Haroon, Haseeb, Dr. Uzzi, Hunnain and Irfan.  After losing the toss the side mustered just 19 however, a total that the Giants chased down in just over three overs.  So a disappointing result in league game one, but - as they say - it's a long season!  Next up for the Pythons are the Asian Tigers next Thursday.